Bailey was direct, as she always lovingly is. “Lead more. Act on your authority.” I blacked out a little and didn’t quite capture the specifics … but I got the gist.

This isn't the first time I've received this feedback from someone I deeply respect. Which, let's be honest, makes it hit to the core a little more, doesn't it? And to say receiving this particular feedback is humbling is an understatement…especially given the roles I've sat in over the course of my 20+ year career and…oh, you know…the whole fact that I'm a trained leadership coach.

Look, I have full knowledge and evidence that I can lead effectively. And there have been many moments in my life where I knew that I wasn’t stepping into my full leadership potential. That feeling sucks. The lack of clarity around that feeling sucks even more.

Rather than rush to respond or even attempt “fix-it”, I sat in really awkward discomfort - in the tension.

My experience isn’t unique. I hear versions of it every week from the women I coach…

The project versus the team. Work versus family. Authority versus likability. For many of us, we can stay stuck there in the choice of either/or.

But what happens when we explore it as a both/and?

In their book Both/And Thinking, authors Wendy K. Smith and Marianne W. Lewis define tensions as "situations where alternative expectations and demands are in opposition."

They go on to say something that I aggressively highlighted:

Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett's research shows that the brain's primary job is to reduce uncertainty.

That means, when we are sitting navigating an either/or choice, we get it exhausted. Your brain is burning through its energy trying to desperately find a way out.  That’s why, when you're navigating that feeling of overwhelm or "stuck," your first instinct is to DO something: to over-analyze it, explain it away, or get up and go do your laundry.

And then we get paralyzed by indecision, which we’ve been conditioned to feel like this reaction means we’re flawed.  We aren’t. That's just your brain literally doing exactly what it was BUILT to do.  

Staying in the tension is a skill we’ve got to learn. To practice. To hone. And quite frankly, necessary for navigating the increasingly complex world we are all moving through. Every time you choose to sit with discomfort instead of collapsing into it, you are building your own capacity and strength to “do the hard thing,” and create something new. (That, by the way, is exactly why we built The Effervescent Collective… for the women leaders who are committed to doing both.)

Ok, so what does it look like to “stay in it.” 

After Bailey dropped this feedback on me, the story I was telling myself was, “I should be further along than this.” “Why am I like this?”  I mean - c’mon now.  

When I was able to disrupt that thinking, I could see it less as a fact and more as a really unhelpful form of self-punishment.   Sitting with it enough to get underneath the story, helped me question it. It didn’t necessarily make the feedback any easier but it did invite enough curiosity for me to recognize the feedback for what it actually was, an invitation.

Harvard-trained organizational psychologist Susan David, PhD. whose Emotional Agility framework shapes so much of how I show up for myself (and coach!), describes this as holding your emotions loosely.  You’re not pushing them down, you’re not letting them overcome you, but rather sitting with them just long enough to hear what they're trying to tell you.  Emotions are data, not directives. The discomfort I felt after Bailey's feedback wasn't a sign something was wrong. It was information about where I'm being pushed to grow.

But exploring our stories and emotions around the tension is not enough. It needs reinforcement through action.

I couldn't just sit with the both/and of Bailey’s feedback and call it growth. I needed to start to create some actual proof, for myself, that I could meet this moment with the leadership it was asking for.  For context - the moment is sunsetting a business I spent years building as a solopreneur to go all-in on a partnership and build something entirely new.

And look… I'm in the thick of it. Bailey and I are very much in a beginner phase. We’re setting an innovative and strong vision, establishing a partnership that fuels our individual and collective ambition, and learning what it looks like to do real deep, serious work, while staying true to our fun, playful natures.  The tension is there.  And just like I coach others to do, I'm experimenting with it. 

Neuroscientist and Tiny Experiments author Anne-Laure Le Cunff names that experimentation has the ability to rewire your relationship with uncertainty. Embracing experimentation helps you stop asking “how do I get out of this"?” and start asking “what I might discover here?”  

For me that question became: What kind of leader could I become in this moment?

Look, it's still a bit messy and I'm still figuring that out.

But what I'm clear on is this: the ability to sit with the tension, to get curious about it rather than escape with episodes of Summer House, is one of the most critical skills we must build. Not because it makes the hard things easier. But because of what becomes possible for us (for our teams, our communities, for our world?) when we have the courage to stop running from the discomfort.

No doubt you have a tension you're carrying too. That tension isn't a sign you're stuck It's a sign you're on the cusp of something greater.

Amanda Fisher spent 20+ years in the work, building teams, creating impact, and working within the complexities of mission-driven organizations. She knows intimately what it takes to lead without completely losing yourself. Now she brings that into her work helping women show up with purpose and intention. She is a PCC-credentialed executive and leadership coach, certified in Emotional Agility by Susan David, PhD. and GCHQ Group Coaching, and co-founder of The Effervescent Collective./